the road ahead

So what does it mean to be spiritually dead?  This is my current broken state.  I once remembered, about two years ago, when I first became a Christian what it means to be genuinely happy.  Well, two years later and that fire is no longer in me.  So I ask myself now, did He leave me or did I leave Him?  I am positive that He didn’t leave me.  But I was the one that walked away.  I got “caught up again”, so to speak.  I remember when I didn’t have to rely on the things of this life to make me truly happy and trust me it was for a short period of time.  However, I am cognizant to the fact that it is possible.  I’ve personally witness the before, after, and the now.  For a short period of time things didn’t bother me.  I wasn’t worried, perhaps concerned, but not worried about work, relationships, etc.  Alcohol was there if I chose to drink it, and not “I should drink it this weekend because I don’t want to be bored and or need it to relax”, whatever the excuse is it probably doesn’t matter.  I didn’t rely on phone calls, text messages, Starbucks, relationships, cars, status, career, money, and the list goes on to make me happy.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not sad with my life.  I have been blessed in my career, my friends, my tight knit family, and all the “things” of this life.  However, there are just certain aspects that I need to work on and 100% of that is my spiritual side, because it all starts there.  Inside out!  I had a taste of it and now I want it back.  This reminds me of what I read when I first became a Christian.

Matthew 23 25 How terrible it will be for you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! You are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy-full of greed and self-indulgence! 26 Blind Pharisees! First wash the inside of the cup, and then the outside will become clean, too.

I remember reading this passage before going to bed two years ago and how moved I was by it.  Because I knew it was me, I was a hypocrite, and from that moment I made a conscious effort to change my ways.  Now I realize we are not perfect.  However, I don’t see myself, especially in the past month or so or year, a “conscious” effort to uphold that standard.

This past week (Sunday through Sunday) has been quite an emotional experience for me. My uncle harmed himself over money.  Fights over nothing.  Meaningless harmful words were exchanged.  I started my new role at work.  Which will require me to be down in Des Moines every other week for 6 months or more, it all really depends.  The project is supposed to last 18 months.  We will see.  It will require a lot of hours in the office and out of the office.  It will require a lot of understanding and stability from my friends and family.  It will require me to do the same.  It will challenge me both personally and professionally. 

This all reminds me of two years ago. I was in Des Moines for work, every other week for an extended period of time.  Personally and professionally very similar situations, however, the magnitude is a lot more this time around, probably because I care more and or more aware of the path in which I am heading.  But it is all part of growing and learning, right?  I am sure it is. 

I do appreciate all my friends and family that supported me this last week, they knew I was little apprehensive of the situation.  All I know is that after it was all said and done two years ago, I became a Christian – I found myself and God.  So I truly believe that something exceptional is about to happen to me again in the near future.  And I can’t wait to find out!  Finally, as far as being spiritually dead, today is a good day to start rebuilding!

“sustain me, refresh me, renew me, and saturate my soul”